For all my Yous

I can feel again, she said. After all this time. 

So she wrote.

Sanctity strikes like a side swiping, sky splitting swish and pangs of pain ache in wistful waves. No direction and miles to go. Baby blues, blink twice if it's what you want to do. Baby greens, take a number for the memories that come at me like a fastball on the daily welcomed but not able to be silenced. Clips from then and clips from now and clips from everywhere and nowhere and with them and with him and without and with me and with her and with people I haven't met yet. And voices inside me bicker and argue and agree and laugh and I don’t know them but they sound familiar, like Lithuanian conversations I can't take part in but can identify taking place. And this reminds me of him and his rooms and his walk and his being holy and his kisses I would shy away from and his leaving and his coming back and his alwaysness and his being gone now but maybe only for now and I hope only for now and I know. Bringing us all together. I know that time is an illusion we are confined to within ourselves and I know. I know that hope is a gift from someone who knows better. And I know that I don’t know that I know that I don’t know. And I feel like I know and I know that I feel like I feel like I know and I want to go back and I never want to go back and there’s nothing to do and there is everything I can do to keep from crying and laughing at the same time so I shall do it all the time and for who? And for what? For no one and for everything. I heard that man's reach should exceed his grasp or what's a heaven for? The space around me now is me and I will cherish it for everything it is and I will keep calm and carry on and remember you all and remember playing with fire and the gasoline and the heat. I will remember the heat and how I cannot pinpoint the day it went away. And I will play you back through the reels that I don’t control in a manner I don’t mind. Whoever said it should be simple? Warum sollte das Leben einfach sein wann Komplexität so schön ist? Remember the plane taking off? Remember the table for one? I love the way it sounds now. REMEMBER WHEN YOU LEFT WITHOUT SAYING GOODBYE? I still cry. Remember "forever" and how I didn't want it and how you tried to give it to her instead? Remember that one time I made you laugh? Remember. Never forget how she is with you in everything you touch and make and break. And do you remember the pay phone call carrying you to me across thousands of miles? Writing "I love you" on my hand when you returned? Remember the unfortunate moment I told you I would risk everything? Do you remember me watching you literally walk away? I stood under cold water with my clothes on to try and wash off the sad. Remember when I discovered your secret? Remember when you lived between my ears for years? I didn’t think you would care if I kept you there. Your memory warmed me until I didn't need you anymore. Thank you for laughing with me whenever I want to and whenever we have to. I will always love. You can keep what’s mine. It’s yours. You are the epitome of magnanimousness. You’d already won me over and I will never forget what you brought into my life because you are me and I am you and we are we and we are them, too. I’m so glad that you exist. I’m so head over feet about it that I could just drop dea

That's all she wrote. It was time to go. 

Thank you, Yous, for making me Me.