What doesn't kill me makes my heart harder.

Alexis Renee

The day you were born,

so were a lot of other babies.

But I only remember one of them

‘cause my parents brought it back to our house.

It’s a good thing, too, because

you make me laugh harder than most people can laugh,

and laughing is a life-lengthener. So, thanks.

I owe most of my life to you.

You’re not just hilarious, though.

You’re good at lots of stuff.

Like writing (even though you don’t think so),

and playing soccer.

I love that you’re so sentimental.

You kept a bunch of acorns from our old house.

And you still have your baby teeth

(but not in your mouth.)

You kept the last grass Cally ever laid on, too.

I watched you watch her die and you cried

so I cried- just like I did when you told me

about Opa sleeping peacefully because God is awake.

As your older sister, I have a responsibility

to teach you how to do things.

I taught you how to shave your legs.

But you taught me how to use a tampon.

I suppose I have to teach you not to do things, too.

Like smoke. I’m glad that made you angry.

Thank you for caring enough to write

me and Kai those notes.

I’m watching you get older through pictures.

You’re beautiful and I’m missing it.

Did you get your eyebrows done recently?

Hahahahaha! Giggs.

I hope you never stop living a life worth writing about

or forget that better things are coming.

Thanks for standing in the lake with me that day

and for holding my hand under the water.

I’d say you have a heart of gold,

but that’s pretty overused so I’ll say

you have a heart of some other precious metal instead.

I’ll let you know when I think of one that’s good enough.

Blessings

From my dear cousin, Ann, to me


I love how God has blessed you

With deep desire for joy.




I love how He has blessed you

With heart that looks for beauty.



I love how He has blessed you

With talents of all sorts.



But first and most of all

I love that He has blessed me

With a cousin fair and lovely,

Who loves me without fail.



No other explanation

Beside the one I claim

Could ever offer evidence

To prove this all unplanned.



God gave us to each other

For reasons oft unseen.



But I love you all the more

Within that mystery.



So, with that in your mind,

Forget not my great love.



But first and most of all,

Forget not ever His.

Take Care

I trudged up and down the same hill
several times a day for years
looking for you.

I finally found you,
hidden in your own skin.
You asked me to hold you,
so I did.

My heart was pumping your blood and
your heart was talking too loudly.

I don't know why it needed to shout
if we were so close.

When I woke up the next day
I knew
That I'd only dreamed of finding you.

In the waking world
I wouldn't have known what to look for.

And since when do ghosts have hearts, anyway?

The Same

Dark clouds rolling around
Dancing, swirling with the sound
Thin and sudden strips of light
Thick, deliberate drops of night

Faster beating, shorter breathing
Eyes like oceans, heart is steaming
Knuckles raw and war-torn
Words that pierce, a stream of scorn

Lids lock at once to hide the gloom
Thoughts unspoken fill the room
Mind fizzles, shortened fuse
Collects itself within the muse

The lull itself will wallow in
Until the shades are drawn again
At that moment godsent dawn
Reveals the dark, once there, is gone

Golden morning streams on through
Making mirrors of the dew
A fragrant breeze like baby's breath
Cancels any thoughts of death

Fresh windows to the soul are dry
Lungs expand, collapse in sigh
Furnace within has been removed
Tired mouth and mind are soothed

Mind will choose, body will follow
Heart will either fill or hollow
Come upon Earth wind, sleet, and flame
The Sun will rise and set the same

love note to God.

Tell me why it is that I
Will leave you be for days
And just refuse your perfect love
In caravans of ways

Some days it is intentional
Because I am ashamed
And other times it's lack of strength
To list the wrongs I've framed

I guess there's just a part of me
That cannot comprehend
How I will stumble miserably
But you still call me friend

My heart goes beating just the same
At the times I do not I call
But why is it that I dismiss
You make it beat at all?

I wish to know you so much more
Though I've known you for so long
I want to cling to every note
Of your immaculate love song

I ask for you to take away
The things I need to lose
And I thank you for the wisdom
To know what I should choose

Losses bring some chaos
With utmost certainty
But the chains are never strong enough
That you can't set me free

My mind is much too simple
To fully realize
The peace that overwhelms my soul
Because you hear my cries

When lying bleeding on the ground
I beg for you to come
And when you're here to rescue me
It's myself you save me from.

fines & lines

Tender bruises. Bitter pain. Somewhat enjoyable to touch.
Trailer "trash." Loves to go home. Her heart is there.
Crumpled flowers. Once alive & beautiful. Now dead. Still beautiful.
Music blasting. Loud enough to rip the sky. Hurts so good.

They don't want you to know it

but there may be

a fine line


b e t w e e n


fines & lines.

cheap imitation.

mockeries of lockdowns
& locking you up downstairs
would never do,
supposeitdids & whatifs
don't amuse you,
& my imagery is
useless unless
these things
make you itch
where your heart is.

so my prayers go out for you
through your inky jet blue
night
& periodically throughout
my rose-colored-bright
day
as well.

with the leftovers of my 24 hours
i contemplate your structure
& what it is that makes you wriggle inside
your arduously polished patterns.
lipsticks, chopsticks, matchsticks, eye tricks-
maybe that's what little yous are made of.

& maybe we will explore it together-
the depths of your psyche, that is.
& we'll pour over your inhibitions
to come in contact with divinity.

& it's possible that even in the afterglow
you'll continue to peruse clearly empty aisles
in a hopeful manner[?]
& i'll continue to wonder why you're surprised
when the curtain falls before your final soliloquy
& your breath is taken back,
just like that shirt you got at half price,
because it so failed to live up to
the designer's version.